Line Up for a Failed Comedian

Okay, well so much for writing in this blog every day. That lasted an entire 48 hours, but I do have four jobs, all unrelated to the career path I so desperately desire, and all that pay wages that push me into a life at the lowest tax bracket. So, uncle sam, you won't be collecting much from this green card holder, but nor will I. So today, I am here on a little bit of a different venture. I listen to a lot of comedy podcasts and many comedians fail into writing jobs. So is that the path a writer must take nowadays? Seek stand up and fail into the job I actually want? The highly coveted screenwriter position that constantly teases me and always alludes me. As someone with no knowhow of anything I want I guess this is the path I will take. I better come up with a setlist that gets not enough laughs for me to make it as a standup but enough laughs in-which someone somewhere says "Hey, he's a shit comedian but he may be a good fit for my sitcom." Alright someone somewhere get a load of this:

I'm convinced racism comes from penis envy. I mean I know the KKK claims to hate every non-white non-Protestant under the sun equally, but I think we can all agree they pay a special anti-homage to those of a darker complexion, those who's ancestors are African. And I know, they are anti-black woman as well. But we can't escape that long pesky history of white slaveholders raping black women then claiming it is the black men who are dangerous, animalistic, and riddled with disease. Why is that? It's got to be that infamous black monster-dick we all have seen in our porn, you know the one. The one that seemingly splits white women's pussy into two and has them crying out like they were giving birth to quintuplets. I am convinced the more the you want every minority to go back to their country, the smaller your dick must be. But I am here not to just point out the issues, but to come up with solutions. In 2014 there was a report from the Journal of Sexual Medicine that found that lesbians orgasmed during sex 75% of the time compared to 61% of women in heterosexual relationships. So that means there's all these guys out here worrying "Is my dick big enough? Is a black guy going to come in and steal my woman with his big old black monster dick?" And yet couples with two women and no dicks are actually having better sex. So how do we defeat racism, America? With dildos. NSA, here me now and thank me later. If a white man is on Info Wars or wears a "Make America Great Again" send that man a dildo and a copy of the Journal of Sexual Medicine report. Because black men you need to be worrying about, it's your girl's girls, you need to be worrying about.

I'm 5'7 which is right on the borderline of short-man. I'm like the tallest you can be and still be short. But I got this pretty face so I do really well with women...in certain situations. Like certain demographics, love me. Asian women, hispanic women, Jewish women, gay men who are "Tops." Pretty much any woman who is 5'3 and below can't get enough of me. But an inch or two taller and I may as well be holding a sign that says I kill puppies. Like I was at the bar this one time, I was talking to this girl for what felt like 45 minutes. She was laughing, looking deep into my blue eyes, she was giving me all the signs of let's get out of here. So I invited her back to my place and just as I was getting ready to leave, I slid off my bar stool, feet hit the ground, her eyes went wide and she all of a sudden had to be up early the next morning. But then like ten minutes later I saw her with another dude on the other side of the bar. And being short is funny because there's some things in the dating world people are shallow about that you can't talk about and then there's some things that are totally cool for someone to diss you on. Like I was talking to one of my friends recently about this date she went on and she was kind of lukewarm about the dude and I was like "Well, what was the problem?" She was like "I mean, he was nice and everything but he was just kind of short." So I asked her "Well, how tall was he?" "5'9" "5'9! 5'9!? is that really that short? I mean I'm 5'7." "Right I mean it's nothing against short guys, it's just I don't want to pass that onto my kids."