Drought

Mind racing and aims shifting. The battle of being content and reaching for more. Trying to quiet the "is this going anywhere?" and building the foundation of "I am already here." Does this need to go anywhere? The secret sauce of a smile: dopamine, serotonin, and being content with where you already are. But the secret sauce of success is reaching for more. I find myself routinely stuck in the middle of the two, crushed by my indecision. I'll be happy once the winter is over. I'll be happy once this course is done. I'll be happy once this skill is learned, once I'm an expert, once I have enough, once I stop dreaming of a better tomorrow, once I stop sleeping all day, once I make use of today. What are all these idiots laughing about? That wasn't funny. Is this all they care to do? I could care less, maybe I should care less...or more? Is this all that life is? Where are all the fun parties we were promised? The poignant moments when things click, when people evolve, when I evolve, when issues resolve? Was that a good comeback to "Working hard or hardly working?" Is there one? Give it a google. Why do I feel overwhelmed either way? Where did all of these experts come from? Their facts are just confident opinions, or so I think, or so I hope, I can't tell. My car is messy, the paint is chipped, the doors shudder, why does it matter? It doesn't matter. It still bothers me. The kitchen keeps getting dirty, the floors keep getting dirty, my teeth keep getting dirty. Panic, wonder, hope, fear, I can't keep up. Write your pages. "The Artist's Way" gives me hope, my bank account gives me dread. Write your pages, connect with others, but why don't I have anything new to tell you? My fingers keep typing, my brain keeps processing, the ideas keep bouncing, yet it feels like there is little to show. Quiet this raging need to build by building. Quiet this exhaustive addiction for respect by respecting yourself. If it is true I need to create to be happy, create the happiness you need. Do the work and the work will follow. Jump and the net appears. Pray for the ebbs and flows of life to reappear, because recently it is all ebb and drought.