January 5, 2022

Okay, here we are. The 2nd day of a new years-esque type of goal and I am already drunkenly, still a little stoned, trying to complete this task, this goal. Well, they say better late than never, do they say: better trashed and writing, then not writing at all. Or something of the sorts. I get the feeling they don't but let's take a second to celebrate mediocrity. I'm somewhat of a sicafan for the NFL. This is going 8-8. Or with the extended season 8-8-1. This is mediocrity but hey, mediocrity is better than being a celler dweller, Let's take a second to celebrate mediocrity.

I spent the last 24 hours getting emotionally tortured by a potentially emotionally abusive relationship involving myself and my girlfriend. And the warfare is dispatched by strictly her army. She's somewhat of a foreign exchange student if we were ten years our juniors. She is twenty-five and I am 30. She is from South America and I, North. We tease each other about our cultural differences and make love as though there were always candles in the foreground, always the perfect song in the ether.

I make fun of her for not knowing about saran wrap, and always leaving fruit and vegetables bear-chested in the refrigerator and she makes fun of me for being poor, 30, white, and in America. You are so lucky to have a social security she says. How can you possibly be poor she says. She looks at America as a willy Wonka golden ticket for a land filled with gems and opportunities if you're willing to work for it. And I honestly couldn't tell you if she's delusional or if I am spoiled. Growing up in the US, it didn't feel like an easy-peasy-life. The mountain of debt I accumulated following my dream and consistently failing didn't feel like a walk in the park, but maybe I was lucky for every having the opportunity to pursue such a crazy endeavor. Or maybe I was duped into pursuing this crazy thing people call the American Dream.

The funny thing about the "The American Dream." It is, maybe this should be obvious, completely, a results based business. You spend your life writing screenplays and it finally pays off with that big-time payday, and you're a genius. You're relentless, you never gave up on your dream when nobody believed in you.

But, you fail to earn that big pay day at the end of a long tunnel, and you're living your life in the clouds. Why did you never focus, why did you waste your time on a practice that yielded no pay, in the meantime you wasted your time dong, what exactly? You worked at a restaurant? Are you fucking kidding me? You should be selling your soul to a large silicon valley-corporate entity, they offer the fairest of prices for a soul these days, on Wednesdays and Fridays, food trucks come to the office.

I say all this to say: Today, I was dumped. I helped her pack her bags and leave my apartment. She drove to the other side of the apartment complex and called me 15 minutes later, I walked over to her car and got inside. We cried together in her car for 20 minutes before I drove her to work, back in love, at the end of our emotional roller coaster. I think maybe we are addicted to our mental anguish. or maybe we just don't know any better..